Kids

So, of course this blog was supposed to be entitled "Trash" and would be about a bunch of stuff I am disliking at the moment. Then, that idea got sidetracked and I wanted to blog about George Carlin because, hey, he was really smart and funny and thought-provoking. But, I don't have enough Carlin-related material to last for a whole blog and another thought came and pushed that thought away.

This morning as I was taking Jude and Sully to daycare (so I could head off to Satan's Den, where I am employed), Jude noticed a huge tent on top of a local grocery store. To be fair, it was very large and obvious, but had it been much smaller, Jude still would have noticed. Jude always notices.

"Mom, what's that?" Jude asked. "Why are people up there?"

"They're trying to raise money to help kids," I said. A local radio station does a "roof sit" to raise money to help prevent child abuse.

"Oh. Kids like me. Right, mom?"

That's when my heart just clenched up in that way it does when completely unwelcome thoughts invade. I looked into my rearview mirror and saw those hazel, not-yet-brown eyes with the long eyelashes looking at me.

"Yes, honey. Kids just like you."

Stories of child abuse have always been horrible and hard to hear, but now the thought is totally unbearable. I can't listen to stories about abuse on the news. I can't read about it in newspapers. It is too much to take.

And how will it be when I have to elaborate some day? When I have to tell Jude that not every little boy has parents who love him so much. That some moms and dads hit and hurt and worse. How do you say such things to an innocent little person who loves with his whole self and sleeps in monkey pajamas, dreaming his sweet dreams with his head resting on a Spiderman pillow?

When we got to daycare and I hugged him too long, he indulged me as he seldom does, resting his head against my chest like he did when he was a baby before he had to pull away to go "play guys" and show off his new Incredible Hulk figure. I know he doesn't understand why I pulled him so close and held him so long, wanting him to know that I love him. He doesn't understand, but I know he will. Someday. And even though maybe it shouldn't, that thought makes my heart ache. But, someday is not now. Not for a long, long time, Jude. Not for a long, long time.